Excerpt from “The Vet at Noah’s Ark”

            “You’re gonna like the next one, Doc!” Lisa, my head receptionist, had a mischievous smile on her face as she handed me the chart. I glanced at Randy, my vet student, who was shadowing me as usual.

            I checked the entry in the medical chart, looking at the reason for the visit. “Health certificate for iguana moving to Australia.” I showed the entry to Randy.

            “That's not going to happen,” I said, shaking my head. “Australia has extremely strict rules about imports.”

            I stepped into the room, a bit puzzled as soon as I entered.

            “I’m Dr. Mader.” I extended my hand in greeting to the portly woman standing in the corner next to the exam table. She was wearing a puffy down jacket, zipped up the front. “And this is Randy, my senior student.”

            “I understand you need a health certificate to take an iguana to Australia?” I did not see an iguana in the room.

            “Not really.” She shook my hand. “What I actually need is some tranquilizer for my iguana.”

            “I’m sorry. I’m confused.” I looked at her.

            “I’m aware you are not allowed to take iguanas or any reptiles into Australia. You don’t need to tell me what I already know.”

            “Understood,” I continued, bewildered.

            “I know how I am going to get my ig into the country. I just need a sedative for the flight.”

            “I’m not trying or intending to argue with you, but you won’t be allowed to bring your iguana into Australia,” I said in a matter-of-fact voice. “Customs just won’t allow it.”

            “Only if they find it.” She was smug.

            “And if they do, not only will they confiscate it, I know for a fact that they will kill it.” “Euthanize” was too nice a word.

            “They’ll never find it.” She smiled and started to unzip her puffy down jacket.

She removed the coat and placed it on the exam table.  “Check it if you want.” She smiled and motioned in the direction of the discarded garment.

            I nodded to Randy to take a look. He picked it up and felt up and down the material, checking the pockets and sleeves. Setting it down, he shook his head.

            “See?”

            “Okay?” I questioned. “So why do you need the tranquilizer? What’s the magic here?”

            “Again. They’ll never find it. I just need to keep it quiet for the seventeen-hour flight.”

  The woman started to unbutton her long-sleeved, green-and-red-checkered flannel blouse. As she got to the last button, the shirt came off and underneath was a heavily padded brassiere, supporting her ample bosom. The striptease continued as she reached behind her back, exposing fully haired armpits, unfastened the clasp, and proceeded to remove her bra. Well hidden and tucked high up beneath her breasts, stuffed lengthwise into a silk stocking, was an approximately three-foot-long iguana.

            “I can guarantee that they’ll never check here.”